Monday, September 20, 2010

Allow Me To Introduce Myself

Alrigh, introduction? Naw, you think you know, but you have no idea... this is the diary of the know all, be all, end all, of pigskins and fantasy wins (toss in the wheat thins, son).

Nonetheless, missed Week 1, but so did the Lion's on their first win. Call me the Calvin Johnson of football bloggin, cause although i don't always get credit, i'm still a stud. I don't need pts to flex my joints. Know what I'm saying? If not, who cares. "I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference." - Einstein, yea. What does Einstein have in common with football? Nothing, which is pretty much the same thing that Favre is doing for the Vikings. Speaking of the Vikings... Peterson! Kid's still got it. Favre, stop Cut(ler)ing in... just give it to Peterson so he can hop dudes whilst stiff arming mid-air. Even though he covered 145 yards against Miami (TD to boot), there's still the red-deficit L adjoining the Vikings name in standings rankings. I'll stop with the Vikings now. No, I won't actually. 3 INTs? I've said it before, but I'll say it again... I'd rather have whatever defense is playing the Vikings in my quarterback slot than Favre right now.

Onward, still with things that could relate to Favre in mind. Aaron Rodgers? What a bust there. So far. Total garbage. He is statistically trailing a dog-killer who hasn't played in over 2 years. What's great about that? The fact that I don't have to mention Vick's name in order for people to understand what I'm talking about. But wait, is Vick really playing QB? Vick is playing the way I used to play "football" as a kid: run around a lot and then throw BOMBS. Speaking of white kids playing football, Wes Welker is, again, a tank. Not to mention he is every white suburban kid's ultimate fantasy? Why, because he is good? No, because he is white. And speaking of white, Patriots, you lost to the Jets. Not only the Jets, but the most misogynistic group of men since, let's see, pretty much any grouping of men. Since I am no longer talking about football, I'll draw a parallel: Clinton Portis, the Michael Vick of bitch abuse (why? because he's not down there getting dirty [but i guess he would if he could], just perpetuating the amorality). Wait, that was wrong. I'm using it for the pun, honestly. Shout out: Mom! I love you 4evs. (those who know me, I'm going to try and take this seriously, 'cause I love women, seriously, I'm thinking about one right now, Brandon Jacobs- do something).

The Cowboys? HaHAHAHA, first team to play in the super bowl while also hosting the super bowl? Yea, that'd be like T.I. hosting a show about how gang-banging and drugs are wrong, and then getting arrested shortly there after. Oh, shit, he did. But, not sadly, the Cowboys won't be able to pull that off. Although, Barber did show up yesterday. Chicago is playing better this year. I mentioned Cutler, but he isn't being as Cutlerish. And Devin Hester one-handing catches in the end zone helps. Which leads me to say three things. 1) I still believe Hester has fantasy potential, 2) Forte is going to get the points he didn't get last year and 3) Favre is going to die on the field this year.

Other quick things:

Eagles suck. I said it. Struggled to beat the Lions? They don't even get calls in their favor.

McNabb can play on other teams. Cause he eats soup. A lot of it. And he is close to his mom. Shout out: I love you MOM!

Tampa Bay? I didn't even know they were still a team. Mike Williams is a stud. Wait, did I just segue again? Which Mike Williams? Since there are a billion of them. Speaking of Williams... I've never been to Williamsburg, but I know that I hate it.

Brees is still an animal, and he can make any receiver seem a lot better than they are. I'll mention someone later when I know that they actually suck. Oh, I like Reggie Bush this year, too.

I love the 49ers! Why? RONNIE LOTT.

Pitt looks better this year. The Iron Curtain is back. Which is the antithesis of what Russia has been trying to do since the Cold War. I think.

I think that the Bengals always become a lot more relevant around the end of October. Yea, because of Halloween. Sorry if you drafted Benson. No, I'm not. Cause I didn't get Foster. Who will foster your team singe-handedly as a terrifying force; like the theories behind 2012. Not the Mayan thing, the John Cusack thing. Justin Gage plays for the Titans. Who are awesome. And Chris Johnson is everything we hoped he'd be (unless you don't own him). Most of the time when I'm watching the games I pronounce his name wrong while he is Bo Jacksoning (via Tecmo Super Bowl, Nintendo) the shit outta the field- i say, Christ. Yea, that was cheesy. But so are bumper stickers that say: "Do you follow Jesus this close?" Which, if you follow him closer, I'm not sure what you do.

Chiefs are cool. Raiders aren't. But yea, did you ever see Rocky? No, that's not going to happen. In fact, I think the Raiders are going to have a similar fate to the Raiders-hat wearing gangsta from the 90's, Eazy-E: dead before 33. 33, what? Points. Yea, they beat the Rams. Whatever. The Rams are terrible. Bradford 3 INTs in the first game, and 1 against the Raiders. Watch some Sanchez videos from last season. Why? Because I love Sanchez. And, because Brett Favre threw 3 interceptions too. Probably because he can't see anymore, because he is old. Which means he probably can't see that he isn't going to make it through the season. Which probably means he doesn't understand that his body is like the Eagles' team (injuries). Except worse.

Alrigh, I'mma end this. How about with a quote, "Back before I injured my hip, I thought going to the gym was for wimps." Bo Knows. But here is another Situation, "You better be hittin' the gym and if you're not hittin' the gym for like an hour or so, you know, you may have a problem. Okay, cause I'm at the gym for like an hour-and-a-half... ya know? Workin' on my fitness."

Moral of the story?

Brett's not gonna make it, gyms are cool, and fantasy points have generally been terrible for the past two weeks. I'll liken them to Ines Sainz's body: slim, and then all of a sudden the Best Fostering of flesh from behind. Seriously Mom, I LOVE YOU.

- Jon-Michael

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