This week, Jon-Michael and I are trying something new, where he writes his rapid reactions to the games played in the previous week and I interject with information that either supports or refutes his wackily worded whims. Best of both worlds, as far as I'm concerned. Well, without the monkey on a unicycle.
Browns over Colts (27-19): don’t be surprised if you hear commentators talk about how lacking the Colts are without Manning as much as Joe Buck praises Michael Vick as the second coming of himself. if sports analysts were in a high school English composition class they would be graded on how well they can carry one thesis through an entire semester’s work—meaning, their thoughts on their first day are exactly the same as their last. although with Joe Buck’s case, he’s made Vick a victim to this for two seasons now, which is like having to rewatch the only rerun of Full House that you don’t think improves life to the umpth degree (which I’m not sure actually exists, but let’s just say it does for comparison’s sake). nonetheless, I digress. right… what I’ve learned from watching this game is two things: one, for fantasy, pick up the Colts’ kicker and start him in place of your three RB/WR starters (including any and all flex spots) because Collins can’t get a ball into the end zone to save his return-from-retired life. (STAT-JECTION: Said kicker Adam Vinatieri scored the same amount of fantasy points this week as Andre Johnson, Matt Forte, and Ray Rice) and two, just when you thought there were no deliveries from carries on Sundays, Peyton Hillis showed up (94 yds, 2 tds), proving he is still a top 15 back.
Steelers over Seahawks (24-0): zero is a useful number when you have any defense on your fantasy team that inspires the opposing team to aspire to that many points, and also when you are wondering how many missing limbs you currently have. which all Mendenhall was missing to have a huge fantasy day was that touchdown that Redman stole from him. it is also worth noting that Mike Wallace has a Mohawk and also has been hawking people to making his way as reliable WR (fantasy and reality alike). (STAT-JECTION: Wallace has two straight 8-reception, 100-yard games to start the season, and 5 straight 100-yard games overall) I think that anomalous Steelers’ performance, or lack their of, in week one is going to fuel a redemption cause that they are going exploit for the rest of the season like a suspicious wife on Sunday with a remote control watch.
Saints over Bears (30-13): akin to my previous metaphors, I think Brees is incited to prove himself on par with Rodgers and Brady to redeem his premier quarterback status. with a receiver like Henderson committing himself to monster plays it shant be that hard. (STAT-JECTION: Despite Henderson’s reputation as a big-play guy, he had just four 50+ yard receptions the past two seasons, as compared to twelve from 2006-2008) honestly, watching that play was better than seeing Leonardo Dicaprio drown in the Titantic. and I’m still not buying Forte, especially one of those crappy cars Kia makes.
Packers over Panthers (30-23): Fig Newtons are delicious; Cam Newton is vicious. (STAT-JECTION: Fig Newtons are a good source of fiber, with 5% DV per cookie)
Lions over Chiefs (48-3): chiefly, the Chiefs, now chief-less (Jamaal Charles) couldn’t even cheat to compete with any team. and let’s not get too excited about the Lions… they have yet to play a formidable opponent, winning week one on of the worst defenses in the league, the Buccaneers. (STAT-JECTION: The Bucs were top-10 against the pass and in scoring defense last season, but were bottom-5 against the run. Think of them what you will)
Buccaneers over Vikings (24-20): the Buccaneers, after turning in after a miserable first half came back and ushered LaGarrette Blount in for two TDs. which, proved that he can do other things than punch people in the face to show his dismay over a loss. Peterson also stepped up to prove his top 10 running back obligation in having a 120 yd day and gaining 6000 career yards. which is pretty impressive considering I spent a good part of my childhood being told to exit most people’s yards.
Player of the Week:
Tony Romo – punctures his lung, takes a breather, but breathes life back into the ‘Boys at the end of the game, so their fans can exhale. Even if he can’t.
Team of the Week:
Bills – Yes, they only beat the Chiefs and Raiders, but they lead the league in scoring and rushing yards with a quarterback from Harvard and a running back from Coe College.
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