Monday, September 12, 2011

Weak One…I mean…Week One: What A Beat One

Eagles over Rams (31 – 13): So where’s the run defense? No seriously, Birds, where’s the run defense? Which is basically the same problem I had whenever I asked the neighborhood kids if they wanted to go in the woods and lick glue with me: I never had any further incentives to make them stay. But the Eagles D did get the incentive… Asomugha, Rodger-Cromartie, Jenkins etc. One wonders whether newly added Castillo is gonna run the Defense as wiry and whimsically as Reid does his offense. Or one doesn’t, but instead takes to pondering the time it would take to create a perfect circle with a group of meandering elephants. Which, when it comes to play-starts, can be attributed to the Eagles offensive line... time management, wasn’t that a problem of last season, too? Can’t blame a rookie center for everything. As per usual, the Eagles O won the game. Which is to be expected from the only team to have TWO top 10 fantasy picks this year. Although, like I’ve said before, I think Vick is gonna choke as the season goes on like a collapsing esophagus in a canary that’s in a clogged coal mine. I will also say that I’m not hating on Bradford as much as the next guy: (Unless the next guy is me, which doesn’t make sense, but if it did, I’d not only ask him for dating advice but also how this scenario complicates Descartes, “I think therefore I am” idiom.) The Rams’ offense of line was terrible, their receiver hands were terrible, and I think the Eagles’ passing D, while they do not make up for their lack of on-legs D, is most definitely benefited from those aforementioned incentive additions. So let off on Bradford…. a little bit, like your gas pedal while driving through residential neighborhoods filled with Cowboys fans.

Jets over Cowboys (27-24): Speaking of the Cowboys, they lost.

Bears over Falcons (30-12)
: Let’s not get too excited. Cutler still has the ability to shoot himself in the foot and have the hole appear in someone else’s foot. Also, Forte fantasy owners… just look at his stats last year. What’s really changed since?

Redskins over Giants (28-14): Okay, I wasn’t expecting this. Grossman, where’s the INTs? Eli, where’s the… oh wait, Eli, if Dakota Fanning played fantasy football, I think it’d be pretty sweet if her team name was Dakota Manning. But that’s just a dream; like Bradshaw being a reliable fantasy starting back while Brandon Jacob keeps taking carries like a train threatened to retire that won’t let off its track.

San Francisco over Seahawks (33-17)
: Gore, 59 yards in 22 carries? Your average yards per carry is around point sux.

Jaguars over Titans (16-14): It was amazing to watch Chris Johnson stand as idle as a fire-eater during a burn ban when he wasn’t given the ball. Honestly… do something.

Texans over Colts (34-7): What game better follows the word, “sux?” The Colts offense proved the prediction true, that without Manning, they are as useless as a bomb shelter during the Cold War. Sorry, Arian Foster owners… but to Arian Foster’s owners’ haters, Tate looked pretty notable & performance-y…. with 116 yds and 1 td on 24 carries that’s less shabby than shabby can sometimes be. To think about: how’s this impact Foster? I’mma say it does, like bad moonlight during a nocturnal food fight...., I think, I think, it might.

Other notable things: Ben Affleck has now pulled another Gigli by doing Madden commercials with his awfully propped Boston accent. Come on, man, didn’t you write and star in an Academy Award winning film? Man, even your lesser-known brother takes on better jobs to pay the bills. Also worth noting is that John Fahey is turning in his grave knowing that his song is being used in a… ehem… Dodge commercial. Really…? Another point for the let’s-expose-a-legend-through-another- philistine-conglomerate’s-cliche-of-a-commercial committee.

Team of the week: Baltimore Ravens. 7 turnovers on a Super Bowl contender? yes, Team of the Week, please.

Player of the week: Ted Ginn. Um, ‘cause one phrase, “BACK TO BACK.” And because those plays will compromise future views of laughing babies all around youtube.


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