Week 6's Truisms and Triangular Prisms

I have nothing much to say to start this post off, except that it's good to see Sexy Rexy back where he belongs.

EAGLES 20, REDSKINS 13

TRIUMPH: We have a Brent Celek sighting!  He had his highest reception total (4) in any game started by Michael Vick, and was thrown to a team-high 9 times.  This coming after he caught 4 passes for 17 yards TOTAL in the previous three weeks.

TRAGEDY: The Redskins rushed for just 42 yards on 14 carries in this game after averaging over 30 carries for 110 yards in their first four games.  Not only that, but the Eagles’ defense had allowed 140 yards per game prior to this.  Chalk it up to Rex Grossman throwing enough interceptions that not only were the ‘Skins losing, causing them to run less, but they were almost doubled in time-of-possession in this game.

TREND: Lesean McCoy had 20 total carries in weeks 4 and 5, both Eagles losses in which ball security in the passing game was an issue.  He had 28 in Sunday’s game, a dominating Eagles win.  Also, he has scored a touchdown in every game this season.  Stud.

TRAIL MIX: You knew it was coming:  over the Redskins’ five games thus far, Rex Grossman has shown monotonic declines in yards and touchdowns and monotonic increases in turnovers, culminating in a 9-22, 143 yards, 0 TD, 4 INT performance that caused him to be pulled from the game in favor of John Beck, who hadn’t appeared in a real game since 2007.  As bad as he was, Grossman’s quarterback rating (23.7 out of a possible 158.3) was actually better than four games he had during the Bears’ Super Bowl run in 2006.  The Redskins got what they deserved for trusting him, and I am just glad it was against the Eagles.

49ERS 25, LIONS 19

TRIUMPH: Michael Crabtree was the target on nearly half of Alex Smith’s passes (15 of 32), while Vernon Davis was targeted just twice.  I expect that trend to balance out a little bit in the future, suffice it to say, although I do think that Crabtree will be a significant part of the 49ers’ offense going forward.

TRAGEDY: As a point of comparison with the above stat, Calvin Johnson was thrown to just 9 out of Matthew Stafford’s 50 pass attempts (he did catch 7 of them, however).  Brandon Pettigrew, Nate Burleson, and Jahvid Best combined for 32 pass targets, of which they caught 18. 

TREND: I’m not sure what the 49ers are doing differently here, but here is a summary of Frank Gore’s first three games this year: 59 carries, 148 yards, 1 TD.  His last three?  50 carries, 293 yards, 3 TD.  He’s averaging nearly six yards per carry in that span. 

TRAIL MIX: There was a whole lot of hoopla over the allegedly unsportsmanlike handshake between coaches Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz.  Turns out that Harbaugh had said something about his Schwartz being bigger than the Lions’ coach.

PATRIOTS 20, COWBOYS 16

TRIUMPH: The Patriots defense, the worst in the league through the first four weeks of the year, has now put together two fairly decent performances in a row against ostensibly decent teams (Jets, Cowboys).  However, those offenses have inconsistent quarterbacks that hold them back, so I would like to see how they handle the rest of their schedule.

TRAGEDY: Wes Welker had been averaging almost 150 receiving yards per game on 9 receptions per game, and was held to 6 catches for 45 yards in this game.  That flash in the sky you just saw was Welker coming back down to earth.

TREND: The Cowboys’ defense is legit. They are top-five in total defense and boast the best run defense in the NFL while playing against pretty good teams (Jets, 49ers, Redskins, Lions, Patriots).

TRAIL MIX: Brady and Romo both went 27-for-41 and ran for 17 yards in this game.  Rob Gronkowski and Miles Austin both caught 7 passes for 74 yards.   Combine Danny Woodhead and Kevin Ogletree and you get Davin Woodtree.

BONUS CRUMBS!

Billy Cundiff’s five field goals and two extra points gave him 20 points in ESPN Fantasy this week.  That marks the fourth consecutive week where a kicker has scored 20 or more points!  Too bad it was a different kicker each time, or we’d be talking about a fantasy MVP.

Week 5's Trrrrrack Stars and Trrrrram Cars

As an Eagles’ fan, it is becoming increasingly more difficult to write all of these football posts, but I suppose it’s better than if I were writing about baseball.  Speaking of baseball, there are three strikes, three outs, and three Molinas (Yadier, Bengie, and Jose, if you’re counting), so I’m going with three sets of triumphs, tragedies, trends, and trail mix.  Hope it’s got that touch of sweetness to really complement the savory aspects.

Steelers 38, Titans 17

TRIUMPH: Ben Roethlisberger threw for 5 touchdowns in this game, allaying some fears about his injury status and the ability of the offensive line to protect him.  Keep in mind, though, that 4 of those touchdowns went for fewer than 10 yards (an unlikely occurrence), and Roethlisberger averaged just 6.7 yards per attempt in this game.

TRAGEDY: The Titans defense allowed over 400 yards in this game, which was over 100 yards more than their previous average.  However, part of that was a 70-yard run by a third-string running back, so let’s call this a bit of a fluke defensively.

TREND: Mike Wallace has not had fewer than 75 yards receiving in any of his last 10 regular season games, and has gained 1001 yards and scored 5 touchdowns in those games.

TRAIL MIX: The Steelers play the Jaguars this week, ending a string of four straight games against the AFC South.  Who scheduled that?

Patriots 30, Jets 21

TRIUMPH: BenJarvus Green-Ellis tallied 27 carries and 136 yards in this game, both career highs.  This one week after Stevan Ridley netted almost 100 yards on 10 carries and had everyone in fantasy leagues gobbling him up.  Green-Ellis was running well against the Jets’ front all day, and I think the Patriots just wanted to ride the hot hand.

TRAGEDY: When the Jets assigned Revis to cover Welker throughout this game, most would have expected Welker to have a down game.  Well, Revis held Welker’s receptions down (he had 5, compared to his average this season of 10), but a 73-yard catch distorted Welker’s numbers.  The play occurred due to a busted coverage by the safety, not by Revis, and the performance by Welker shouldn’t affect anyone’s perception of Revis’ cover skills.

TREND: I know I mentioned that the Jets defense was better than they looked last week, but now I’m willing to change my opinion.  The Jets have allowed 134.8 rush yards per game this year, compared to 90.9 last year.

TRAIL MIX: The Jets attempted over 35 passes per game in their first four games.  In a game against the worst pass defense in the league (not to mention a team with an offense that can put points on the board quickly), the Jets attempted 26 passes.  Huh?

Packers 25, Falcons 14

TRIUMPH: James Jones and Jordy Nelson both tied for the Packers’ team lead in pass targets (7).  Don’t be fooled, this offense runs mostly through Greg Jennings and Jermichael Finley, who still lead the team in targets for the year.

TRAGEDY: Ryan Grant received just over half the touches of James Starks in this game, and gained less than half as many yards in the process.  I expect the Packers to roll week-to-week with whoever is running better that day, in a similar way as their passing attack is organized.  Grant’s got better days coming.

TREND: In his four seasons as a starter, Michael Turner has rushed for fewer than 4 yards per carry in over half of those games.  Good thing he’s been in the top five in the league in carries and rushing touchdowns over that span, or that would be tough to handle.

TRAIL MIX: Aaron Rodgers completed a pass to 12 different players over the course of this game.  That’s more receivers catching a pass in a single game than any team with at least as many pass attempts has had catch a ball all season (including so-called equal-opportunity offenses like the Patriots and Saints).

In Which Adrian Peterson Runs and the Bears' O-Line Hides

Life is like a box of chocolates in two ways: you never know what you’re going to get, and if it doesn’t have nougat, you better elude it.  Sticking with the former, we’re switching up the program by having Alex write his impressions of Week 5’s action as Jon-Michael takes a break from his usual responsibilities to insult a Native American.  Let’s get to the words.

Bills 31, Eagles 24

As an Eagles fan, I am incredibly disappointed in the lack of discipline that this team is playing with.  There are a lot of turnovers, penalties (Juqua Parker, I’m staring straight at you, bro), and clock management errors that are holding this team back.  The offense has gained 513 and 489 yards the last two weeks, but poor red-zone offense and horrendous defense have been their undoing.  I am not surprised that the defense hasn’t stopped the run, given the way that the defensive line is structured, but it’s the pass defense (which was a little better this week) that has been disappointing as well.  The defense is going to get better as the players get more time in the new system, but it’s really the lack of ball security from the offense (14 turnovers the past four games) that’s my concern.  I’m surprised that Lesean McCoy hasn’t fumbled more, given the way he holds the ball while running.

Chiefs 28, Colts 24

You have to feel really bad for the Colts’ remaining roster, as they are trying as hard as they can to win a game or two without Peyton Manning.  Curtis Painter has done a lot better than I thought he would, and he appears to really like Pierre Garcon (7 receptions, 271 yards, 4 TD in Painter’s two starts).  However, the Colts’ attempt was once again thwarted, as Matt Cassel had an incredible game, completing over 70 percent of his passes and throwing 4 touchdowns (2 to the apparently-not-a-seven-game-wonder Dwayne Bowe).  Now, if only the Chiefs hadn’t lost Tony Moeaki, Eric Berry, and Jamaal Charles for the year in the span of three weeks…

Seahawks 36, Giants 25

Classic Eli Manning.  And, as it appears this season, classic 2011 NFC East quarterbacks.  Put up a bunch of yards and touchdowns (Eli had 420 and 3, respectively), then make the key turnover to lose your team the game.  Also, after scoring 30 points in their first three games combined, the Seahawks have scored at least 30 points in each of their last two games.

Vikings 34, Cardinals 10

Just watch Adrian Peterson’s last two touchdowns.  

Raiders 25, Texans 20

The Raiders win one for their late owner Al Davis, per his eternal request (“Just Win Baby”), despite a heroic effort from Matt Schaub (there was actually an egregious dropped pass at the Raiders’ 10 yard line that would have scored a touchdown, but the Texans ended up settling for a field goal).  Schaub has a lot of similar characteristics to Tony Romo, in the sense that he puts up big numbers and wins a lot of games late, but also is likely to make that one dumb interception, as he did in the red zone at the very end of this game.  It’s funny how nobody talks about Schaub’s value to his team and whether or not he should be starting, but Romo gets criticized up and down ESPN.  That’s what Romo gets for being on what used to be America’s Team, I suppose.

Chargers 29, Broncos 24

The Tim Tebow Era, Part II has begun in earnest.  Well, if a 4-for-10 for 79 yards line excites you.  Actually, it appears to excite the Broncos roster, as Tebow’s entrance spurred a near-comeback, as Tebow was 2-3 for 51 yards on a 0:24 drive that almost won the game.  The Chargers did their usual “play down to the competition” thing, eeking out a win against a clearly inferior opponent.  They appear to finally not be throwing away the first half of the season, and perhaps this is the year they make a legitimate run at the AFC title.

Lions 21, Bears 10

This was a sloppy, sloppy game, in which 26 penalties were called.  One of the Bears' first drives lasted just under 7 minutes, yet ended in them failing to convert a 4th down.  This drive may have been the most agonizing I have ever seen.  Here's the rundown of this drive, which started at the Bears' 18 and ended at the Lions' 26: 

-- 6 penalties, 5 by the Lions

-- 1 challenge from each team, with the Lions benefitting both times

-- 2 timeouts taken by the Bears, meaning that they spent all three of their first half timeouts on this drive, which ended in no points.

-- When you remove the yardage from penalties and such, the Bears ran 11 plays to completion and gained 23 total yards on those plays (7 of those plays involved Matt Forte, and gained 15 of those yards).  The drive somehow totaled 62 yards. 

Week 4's Trrranscendentalists and Trrrain Wrecks

Now that we’ve hit the quarter-pole in the season, we have enough information to make reasonable conclusions about how we think teams and players will do for the rest of the season. 

For example, we can safely assume that the Lions are out of the doldrums.  We can also safely assume that the Patriots’ defense is not very good.  We can also safely assume that the Eagles are not any sort of Dream Team, unless Vince Young has a disturbed subconscious.  Not that we needed this season’s performance to tell us this, but we can safely assume that Rex Grossman is not the quarterback of the past, present, or future of any team.

Since we’re through four weeks of the year, which is ¼ of the season, and it’s October 4^th, I’m going to review four games today.  Life is full of patterns.

RAVENS 34, JETS 17

TRIUMPH: Ravens TE Ed Dickson was thrown to 12 times in this game, twice as much as any other Raven.  Keep in mind that Anquan Boldin was only targeted twice, as he was sippin’ a margarita on Revis Island.

TRAGEDY: Santonio Holmes caught just three of the 12 passes directed his way, but I can’t imagine that most of them were his fault, given how Mark Sanchez performed.  With all of the passing that the Jets appear to want to do this year, I can’t imagine Holmes is kept down much longer.

TREND: After getting rocked by Darren McFadden last week, the Jets returned to their run-stuffing ways, not allowing Ray Rice and Co. to come to a boil by allowing a mere 3.1 yards per carry.

TRAIL MIX: In this game, Joe Flacco and Mark Sanchez combined to go 21-56 with 282 yards, 0 TD, and 2 INT.  In his first career start for an 0-3 team, Curtis Painter went 13-30 for 281 yards, 2 TD and 0 INT.  The Jets and Ravens both won playoff games last year with these quarterbacks.

BEARS 34, PANTHERS 29

TRIUMPH: I’m going to consider it a triumph for the Bears’ playcalling that Jay Cutler was allowed to throw the ball only 17 times.

TRAGEDY: The Bears’ normally stout run defense was run on for a strong 7 yards per carry from an offense operating out of the shotgun for more than half the game.  The fact that DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart combined for just 18 carries is still puzzling.

TREND: Steve Smith has corralled at least 6 passes for at least 150 yards in three of the first four weeks of this season.  He met either of those conditions just once last year.  I guess Cam Newton’s kinda good.

TRAIL MIX: Matt Forte followed up a 9 carry, 2 yard performance in Week 3 with 25 carries for 205 yards in Week 4.  Normally I’d find that odd, but Forte bookended a 22 carry, 166 yard game last year with two games in which he averaged 10 carries and 18 yards.

LIONS 34, COWBOYS 30

TRIUMPH: Laurent Robinson had 7 receptions for 116 yards in this game and was the Cowboys’ most targeted receiver.  However, don’t expect him to have anything close to that the rest of the season, as the team has a bye week next and will likely have Miles Austin return to prominence.

TRAGEDY: The Cowboys bottled up Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson for the first half of the game, as the two connected for 3 passes for 38 yards.  While the end result for Johnson looked good (8 receptions, 96 yards, 2 TD) due to their furious comeback, Stafford completed less than 50 percent of his passes.

TREND: The Lions have come back from 20+ point deficits in consecutive weeks.  The Bills came back from 18+ point deficits in weeks 2 and 3.  The Vikings gave up 17+ point leads in weeks 2 and 3.  See a theme here?  The overemphasis on passing in the NFL appears to have spawned a trend of streaky performances within games, and no lead appears to be safe.

TRAIL MIX: The Lions have won 8 straight games, giving them the longest active winning streak in the league.  From Week 10 of 2007 to the start of this streak, they had gone 5-47.

BUCCANEERS 24, COLTS 17

TRIUMPH: Pierre Garcon, who had 149 yards and 0 touchdowns in the first three weeks of the season, had 142 yards and 2 touchdowns in this game: on two receptions.

TRAGEDY: Somehow, Curtis Painter managed to average 9.4 yards per pass attempt despite completing only 43% of his passes.  This isn’t bad for him, certainly, but it’s more a tragedy relative to the Bucs’ tackling on Garcon’s two scores.

TREND: The Colts have allowed the fifth-most rushing yards in the league this year, but this shouldn’t surprise you, as they were in the bottom ten in the league in each of the last three years.

TRAIL MIX: The Colts haven’t started 0-4 since Peyton Manning’s rookie year in 1998.  Peyton Manning just signed a 5 year, $90 million contract.  The most-hyped quarterback prospect since, well, Manning, is Andrew Luck, who would be the consensus first overall pick in next year’s draft.  What if the Colts get that pick?

Throwing down analysis like a Donovan McNabb pass

We liked the Batman and Robin thing so much, we made a sequel.  The box office numbers aren’t in yet, though.

Bills over Patriots (34-31): my belief here is the hype over Brady breaking the yards-in-a-season record is beginning to go to his head (which in turn has caused him to throw as sloppy as Joe, whoever that immortalized-by-sandwich, careless-with-meat Joe was). if this is true (STAT-JECTION: 28 of Tom Brady’s 45 passing attempts came in the final 32 minutes of the game, which started with the Pats holding a 21-7 lead), it’s interesting that there is a pressure that Brady loses poise over, considering his consistent & effective leadership with a generally humble offense (sans Moss). there is an interesting thread in the NFL right now that makes a great case for an offense being made by the Quarterback… Rodgers (sans Jennings), Brees, and Brady are all helming explosive teams without, de facto, easily, explosive weapons. the counter-example being the game that follows.

Giants over Eagles (29-16): in mythology, more often than not, birds are fierce and formidable, and giants are generally dumb, underwhelming and mostly used as props to encourage shorter people to not take the whole “bigger is better” thing too seriously. but unfortunately, to the chagrin of Second Life users, this is real life… and in real life, the Eagles offense is a mess, proving their hype a myth, and the Eagles defense even less… (STAT-JECTION: Eli Manning had an 81.2 ESPN Total QBR in this game, third in the league this week) my prediction about Vick flopping is gaining more cred each game… (STAT-JECTION: Vick posted an abysmal 24.6 Total QBR this week, 26^th in the league, and is currently ranked 23^rd in the statistic for the season) but to his benefit, Vick shouldn’t have been playing that game whatsoever. and while many are singing is praises for staying in the pocket and playing the conventional quarterback role, one must remember that he wasn’t given a 100mil dollar contract to play Polly Pocket, but rather, was hired to act like loose change and slip through his own hole. considering the Eagles’ unremitting red zone issues, who better to throw up six than Vick… yea, seriously, Andy Reid, where’s the Vick six? at 1-2 it looks like the Eagles are going to do their best Sisyphus impression for the rest of the year. the only thing in good light I will say about the Eagles is that Lesean McCoy looks as bright as a bald head used as night light when options are tight.  (STAT-JECTION: McCoy is second in the league in rushing despite being 8^th in attempts, and with Chris Johnson, Arian Foster, Frank Gore, and Jamaal Charles essentially out of the picture, is well on his way to a top-5 fantasy season)

49ers over Bengals (13-8): this game was about as interesting as spraying a wet painting with a water bottle while also attempting to watch it dry. Gore looks like his bulb is out, like your favorite gardenias during winter. (STAT-JECTION: Gore has received 2 more carries than the aforementioned McCoy, yet has rushed for less than half the yards and three fewer touchdowns)

Saints over Texans (40-33):  Schaub and Brees both fulfilling their talent obligations. Henderson, again, throwing up big yards by catching Brees’ ideally-positioned throws. (STAT-JECTION: Henderson is 7^th in the league in receiving yards on fewer receptions than any of the top 20 receivers) Mark Ingram is beginning to come out of his woodwork like the face of a craftsman’s lover all outta muses. That game wining touchdown by Ingram had all the fire of a Peterson-esque run….something like a bull in a…..bull shop.

Panthers over Jaguars (16-10): Finally, a much deserved win for Cam Newton. Perhaps a little rain-addled, but this proves that Cam’s got what it takes to obtain a win even through stagnancy: by making up for 3 wasted quarters in the last half of the fourth quarter.  The only thing notable about the Jaguars was Maurice Jones-Drew, who threw up another big game, which says to me that unless defenses begin targeting him alone (which they should be…and more effectively) he’ll finish as a top 8ish fantasy back for the year (STAT-JECTION: Jones-Drew is currently 9^th among running backs, brought down mostly by his single touchdown thus far – keep in mind that after averaging 12 touchdowns a game from 2006 to 2009, he had just 5 last year)

Lions over Vikings (26-23): the second game the Vikings gave up a win when having a 20pt lead. (STAT-JECTION: The Vikings also led their first game by 10 points at halftime) that’s like if you were still to lose in a Magic the Gathering game after you’ve already depleted your opponent’s life total to 0… can that happen? apparently with the Vikings it can. nonetheless, Adrian Peterson put up a nice game for fantasy owners… (STAT-JECTION: Peterson has 36 carries in the first half of games this year, and the Vikings have led 54-7 after those carries.  Despite his team having the lead, he has 22 carries in the second half of games, and the team has been outscored 67-6)  as did Stafford attempting to join the league’s obsession with 400+ yard games this year. he’s not quite there though… like that Little Engine That Could… but not quite yet.

team of the week: Bills – they hadn’t won a game against the Patriots in almost a decade, come on.

player of the week: not Chris Johnson - where are the feet man (STAT-JECTION: Johnson has two feet)

Week 3's Trrrials and Trrribulations

Since necessity is the mother of alliteration, I have decided to try to make this triumphs-tragedies-trends thing… well… a trend.  However, in the spirit of whimsy I will be adding another piece called Trail Mix, which is a quick random piece of information for you to munch on.  Again, I’m looking mostly at individual performances from Week 3 that are anomalous either positively or negatively, as well as events that I think are likely to continue.

RAVENS 37, RAMS 7

TRIUMPH: Ravens rookie WR Torrey Smith caught his first three receptions of his career for 133 yards and 3 touchdowns, all in the first quarter of their game against the Rams.  Keep in mind that one game does not a stud make.

TRAGEDY: Speaking of one game and studs, Steven Jackson had just 4 carries in the loss while Cadillac Williams had 18.  However, keep in mind that the Ravens were leading 21-0 in the first quarter, and the team wanted to make sure Jackson left the game healthy since the game was out of hand.

TREND: Sam Bradford appears to be vulnerable to a sophomore slump as much as anyone, completing just 51 percent of his passes thus far this year and already has 3 fumbles, all of which have ended in opponents’ touchdowns.

TRAIL MIX: Joe Flacco had been taking some flak for his flaccid play last year, but while he has thrown for under 200 yards in 4 of his last 6 regular-season games, he has thrown for an average of 306 yards, 3 TD, 0 INT in his team’s two wins this year, by a combined score of 72-14.

RAIDERS 34, JETS 24

TRIUMPH: Shonn Greene caught 7 passes in this game.  He already has at least half of the receptions and receiving yards that he had all of last year.  However, LaDainian Tomlinson is still the pass-catching back on this team (as shown by his team-leading 116 receiving yards in this game).

TRAGEDY: The Jets outran their opponents by 50 yards per game last year.  This year, they’re getting outrun by 50 yards per game.  However, before this game that was only 15 yards per game.  Don’t worry, Jets fans.  As much as I would like you to.

TREND: Darren McFadden is an all-out monster, showing the burst and power that he did in his career in Arkansas.  He leads the league in rushing and has four 100-yard games in his last 6.

TRAIL MIX: Two years ago in this matchup, Mark Sanchez got a lot of attention for eating a hot dog on the sideline.  Perhaps if he had put a little more mustard on some of his throws, the Jets may have won this time.

SAINTS 40, TEXANS 33

TRIUMPH: James Casey, whose position is the famed H-back (a tight-end/running back hybrid of sorts), came out of nowhere to reel in 5 catches, 126 yards, and a touchdown.  Maybe he sticks around, but there are a number of important mouths to feed before his.

TRAGEDY: The Texans defense had allowed just 10 points per game in their first two games, and then allowed 40.  It was the Saints though.

TREND: The Saints ran the ball 22 times for 100 yards, and no more than 9 and 38 went to any one player.  As far as fantasy is concerned, I’m not seeing much coming from back there.  At least when Brees spreads it around through the air there’s 30 receptions to go around.

TRAIL MIX: 9 players from this game scored in the top 55 among fantasy scorers this week.  No player in the 49ers-Bengals game made the top 60.

PACKERS 27, BEARS 17

TRIUMPH: Ryan Grant received more carries and ran for 87 more yards than James Starks in this game, which is a stark (see what I did there?) difference from what we’ve seen thus far this year and is likely to be more balanced in the future.

TRAGEDY: Matt Forte ran the ball 9 times for 2 yards.  Jay Cutler ran 3 times for 11 yards and led the team.

TREND: The Packers have allowed the second-most passing yards in the league this year, which is certainly related to losing a couple key pieces to injury.  This is not going to get too much better.  Also, it’s interesting to point out that 2011 offensive juggernauts Buffalo, Green Bay, and New England are all in the bottom 10 in pass defense.

TRAIL MIX: Jermichael Finley scored 3 touchdowns in this game.  Jon-Michael Frank is afraid of Dutch clowns with fame.

Week 2: Kinda Weak Too (if you're a Colts or Chiefs fan)

This week, Jon-Michael and I are trying something new, where he writes his rapid reactions to the games played in the previous week and I interject with information that either supports or refutes his wackily worded whims.  Best of both worlds, as far as I'm concerned.  Well, without the monkey on a unicycle.

Browns over Colts (27-19): don’t be surprised if you hear commentators talk about how lacking the Colts are without Manning as much as Joe Buck praises Michael Vick as the second coming of himself. if sports analysts were in a high school English composition class they would be graded on how well they can carry one thesis through an entire semester’s work—meaning, their thoughts on their first day are exactly the same as their last.  although with Joe Buck’s case, he’s made Vick a victim to this for two seasons now, which is like having to rewatch the only rerun of Full House that you don’t think improves life to the umpth degree (which I’m not sure actually exists, but let’s just say it does for comparison’s sake). nonetheless, I digress. right… what I’ve learned from watching this game is two things: one, for fantasy, pick up the Colts’ kicker and start him in place of your three RB/WR starters (including any and all flex spots) because Collins can’t get a ball into the end zone to save his return-from-retired life.  (STAT-JECTION: Said kicker Adam Vinatieri scored the same amount of fantasy points this week as Andre Johnson, Matt Forte, and Ray Rice) and two, just when you thought there were no deliveries from carries on Sundays, Peyton Hillis showed up (94 yds, 2 tds), proving he is still a top 15 back.

Steelers over Seahawks (24-0): zero is a useful number when you have any defense on your fantasy team that inspires the opposing team to aspire to that many points, and also when you are wondering how many missing limbs you currently have. which all Mendenhall was missing to have a huge fantasy day was that touchdown that Redman stole from him. it is also worth noting that Mike Wallace has a Mohawk and also has been hawking people to making his way as reliable WR (fantasy and reality alike). (STAT-JECTION: Wallace has two straight 8-reception, 100-yard games to start the season, and 5 straight 100-yard games overall)  I think that anomalous Steelers’ performance, or lack their of, in week one is going to fuel a redemption cause that they are going exploit for the rest of the season like a suspicious wife on Sunday with a remote control watch.

Saints over Bears (30-13): akin to my previous metaphors, I think Brees is incited to prove himself on par with Rodgers and Brady to redeem his premier quarterback status. with a receiver like Henderson committing himself to monster plays it shant be that hard. (STAT-JECTION: Despite Henderson’s reputation as a big-play guy, he had just four 50+ yard receptions the past two seasons, as compared to twelve from 2006-2008)  honestly, watching that play was better than seeing Leonardo Dicaprio drown in the Titantic. and I’m still not buying Forte, especially one of those crappy cars Kia makes.

Packers over Panthers (30-23): Fig Newtons are delicious; Cam Newton is vicious.  (STAT-JECTION: Fig Newtons are a good source of fiber, with 5% DV per cookie) 

Lions over Chiefs (48-3): chiefly, the Chiefs, now chief-less (Jamaal Charles) couldn’t even cheat to compete with any team. and let’s not get too excited about the Lions… they have yet to play a formidable opponent, winning week one on of the worst defenses in the league, the Buccaneers.  (STAT-JECTION: The Bucs were top-10 against the pass and in scoring defense last season, but were bottom-5 against the run.  Think of them what you will)

Buccaneers over Vikings (24-20): the Buccaneers, after turning in after a miserable first half came back and ushered LaGarrette Blount in for two TDs. which, proved that he can do other things than punch people in the face to show his dismay over a loss. Peterson also stepped up to prove his top 10 running back obligation in having a 120 yd day and gaining 6000 career yards. which is pretty impressive considering I spent a good part of my childhood being told to exit most people’s yards.   

Player of the Week:

Tony Romo – punctures his lung, takes a breather, but breathes life back into the ‘Boys at the end of the game, so their fans can exhale.  Even if he can’t.

Team of the Week:

Bills – Yes, they only beat the Chiefs and Raiders, but they lead the league in scoring and rushing yards with a quarterback from Harvard and a running back from Coe College.